� Thanks, atsitab! You ´ve lifted up my mood!�

� And I would also like to share something with you�

� Parts of students � essays, which really made me laugh:�

� "After the World War II, soldiers came home and they were so stressed, that it resulted in a baby-boom"

䰄ne more:

�"After the WWII was finished, soldiers and their wives were so happy to see each other! That is what we call baby-boom!"

贌ave a Nice Weekend!

• Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won �t freeze ? 
  Pupil: Hot water !
• Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
  Pupil: All of them !
• Why was the head teacher worried ?
  Because there were so many rulers in the school !
• Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
  Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !
• Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
  Pupil: Stale !
• Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you �ve only drawn the cow ?
  Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
• Teacher: What is "can �t" short for ?
  Pupil: Can not miss.
• Teacher: and what is "don �t" short for
  Pupil: Doughnut !
• Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
  Pupil: Lassie !
• Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
  Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !
• Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
  Pupil: I �m just turning over things in my mind, sir !
• Teacher: That �s quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
  Pupil: I don �t know teacher. What will you give me ?

Teacher Jokes

Short Teacher Jokes 2

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What ?, and get bitten!

Teacher: You aren �t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I �m having trouble listening!

Why were you late?
Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Son: I can �t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don �t feel well
Teacher: Where don �t you feel well?
Son: In school!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn �t you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn �t, and I have the fish to prove it!

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won �t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I �m not too keen on the time in-between!

A professor is someone who talks in someone else �s sleep.

  A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think

she liked children.

Hear about the constipated math teacher?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Or, he worked it out with a slide rule.

Hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

She had trouble with her pupils.

 A student comes to a young professor �s office after hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

  "I would do *anything* to pass this exam."  She leans closer

to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."

  He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

  "*Anything*."

  His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

  "*Anything*."

  His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

The college President hired a new Admissions Administrator. At the conclusion of the interview he said, "Please don �t tell anyone what we �re paying you." "Don �t worry Sir." the new bureaucrat replied.  "I �m as ashamed of my salary as you are."

          A young school teacher rushed into the headmasters office in a

distraught state. "Oh, sir!" he cried, "I just caught three young boys trying to see how high up the toilet wall they could pee."

  "What did you do?" asked the headmaster?

  "Well, I hit the ceiling," the teacher told him.

  "Good show!" said the headmaster, "that �s one up to the staff!"

TEACHERS GET PAID TOO MUCH

  I �m fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we

need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I �d pay these

teachers myself...I �d pay them Babysitting wages.

  That �s right...instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I �d give

them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I �m only going to pay them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it �s still cheaper than private daycare.

 Now how many children do they teach in a day, maybe twenty? That �s $15.00 x 20 =$300 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I �m not going to pay them for all those vacations.

$300 x 180 =$54,000.

(Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)

 I know you teachers will say, "What about those who have ten years of experience and a Master �s degree?" Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just babysitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times twenty children. $5.00 x 5 x 20. That �s $500 a day times 180 days. That �s $90,000.

HUH? Wait a minute. Let �s get a little perspective here. Babysitting

wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around here???!

  One of my students (Stacy) admitted to hitting another little girl. 

I wrote a note about it on the little girl �s weekly report.  The next

day the grandmother came in.  She demanded to know why I had accused her granddaughter of doing this.  Her granddaughter had told her that she didn �t do it and she stated that, "My granddaughter was raised better than that and she NEVER lies!" I looked at Stacy (who was already starting to cry) and asked her,"What did you tell me yesterday?" Tears welled up and she replied, "I told you I hit her!" I looked at the grandmother and asked her, "Is she lying now, or was she lying to you yesterday?" The grandmother stammered for a moment, quickly apologized and left!

  Peter �s teacher wrote to his mother:  "Peter is a bright boy,

but he seems to spend all his time thinking about girls."

  Peter �s mother wrote back to his teacher:  "If you find a cure,

let me know.  I �m having the same trouble with his father."

  As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his

school on the first day.  Passing the stockroom, he was startled

to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

  The school where he had been a teacher the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the schools long time Custodian, "Do you think it �s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

 The Custodian looked at him gravely..."We trust them with the

children, don �t we?" he said.

Could you be a true elementary school teacher?  Let �s find out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner �s glass away from the edge of

the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?

6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in acheckout line?

7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?

8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat  everything?

11. Do you fold your spouse �s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?

 * If you answered yes to 4 or more, it �s in your soul--you are hooked

on teaching.  And if you �re not a teacher, you missed your calling.

 * If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it �s *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

 * If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it �s *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

 * If you answered yes to all 12, forget it--you �ll *always* be a

teacher, retired or not!

TO ALL TEACHERS

  Please put this in a prominent place on your desk so that you may

refer to it throughout the year.  Attach it securely, as no copies

will be made available.

  So that there is no misunderstanding between thee and me, it is

expected that the following rules be obeyed:

1.  Students MUST leave their homes no later that 7:30 A.M. and

    return no earlier that 3:00 P.M.  NO hanging around the front

    yards.  Parents have enough to do in the mornings without baby-

    sitting your students.

2.  Students may come home for lunch only if they live within

    thirty feet of the school.

3.  If school is to be dismissed at noon on any given day, notice

    must be sent home six months in advance.

4.  No student may come home claiming illness unless he a) is

bleeding from both ears, b) has a broken bone protruding from       the skin, c) is unconscious.  In such cases, the student may come home if s/he brings a note from the school nurse testifying that the child is not faking.

5.  Oil paints, India ink, and Magic Markers are strictly

    prohibited and if brought into the home, will be confiscated and

    destroyed.  In the event that said items are smuggled into the

    home, and are found by a preschool age sibling, it shall be

    understood that the teacher will then be required to report to

    the home that evening to wash down the walls, clean the carpet,

    and explain the whole thing to Dad.

6.  Requests for milk money, hot-lunch money, mission money,

field-trip money, or any other money must be made before the 21st of the month, as no respectable mother can be expected to come up with any petty cash after that date.

7.  Students who are persuaded to go out for band will be allowed

    to practice only in the home of the band instructor.

8.  In the interests of peace at home, the following policy will

    be strictly adhered to:  NO PTA meetings, scout banquets,

    Christmas programs, graduations, etc., may be scheduled on   Monday nights unless they are first cleared with Howard Cosell.

9.  Students are expected to return home from school in

    reasonably reputable clothes.  Trousers with holes, jackets with

    rips, and shoes with irremovable tar will not be tolerated.  In

    the case of primary students, parents of first and second-graders

    will be satisfied if their children just return home in the same

    clothes they wore to school.

10. We realize that personality conflicts may occur throughout

    the year.  However, we must insist that teachers do not request

    that their students be assigned to another family.  While many

    parents would be happy to cooperate with such a request,  surveys have shown that one home is pretty much like another, and students and teachers will just have to adjust.

  If you have any questions concerning this letter, please feel free

to call me anytime before 3:00 P.M. yesterday afternoon.

 I teach geography.  For one of my assignments, the student must learn

to identify all fifty United States.  Not hard, when given a blank map

to fill in, but that �s not the real test.  My students must draw and

label the map from memory, FREEHAND.

  I recently had a student working on this assignment.  He practiced

and practiced with great effort.  The result?  Everything west of the

Mississippi was just right.  New England fit together perfectly, as

did the Tidewater states.  The Northern Midwest lined up fine, and so

did the Southern Coastal states.  He even spelled all fifty correctly.

  Obviously, Merv had drawn each region in turn rather than first

outlining the country and then trying to subdivide it.  It was a good

technique, but unfortunately the belly of the US was drooping a bit

lower on his paper than in reality, leaving a gap between Tennessee

and the Deep South.

  It was labeled "Unclaimed Territory."

  I gave him an A.

 When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.

  The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write �I will not pass through a red light � five hundred times."

  The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don �t like me, the kids don �t like me, the bus drivers hate me, and the school board wants me to leave, I don �t want to go to school."

  "But you have to go to school," countered his mother. "You are healthy,you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader.  And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the headmaster."

You may be a teacher if...

You believe the teacher �s lounge should be equipped with a Valium

salt lick.

You want to slap the next person who says, "It must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have the summer off."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell it �s a full moon without looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the

report card.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you don �t know and correct their behavior.

You think people should get government permits before they can reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You can �t have children because there is no name you can think of that doesn �t give you high blood pressure.

You think caffeine should be given intravenously.

What The Professor Said and

  What The Professor Really Means.

You �ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.

  I used it as a grad student.

If you follow these few simple rules, you �ll do fine in the course.

  If you don �t need any sleep, you �ll do fine in the course.

The gist of what the author is saying is what �s most important.

  I don �t understand the details either.

Various authorities agree that...

  My hunch is that...

The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.

  I don �t know.

You �ll have to see me during my office hours and I �ll answer the

question.

  I don �t know.

In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.

  I really don �t know.

Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.

  Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.

We can continue this discussion outside of class.

  1.  I �m tired of this - let �s quit.

  2.  You �re winning the argument - let �s quit

Today we �ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be

a good educational experience.

  I stayed out too late last night and didn �t have time to prepare a

lecture.

Any questions?

  I �m ready to let you go.

The implications of this study are clear.

  I don �t know what it means either, but there �ll be a question about

it on the test.

The test will be 50-questions multiple choice.

  The test will be 60-questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer

questions (1000 words or more, and no one will score above 55 percent.

The test scores were generally good.

  Some of you managed a C+.

The test scores were a little below my expectations.

  Where was the party last night?

Some of you could have done better.

  Everyone flunked.

Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?

  Has anyone opened the book yet?

According to my sources...

  According to the guy who taught this class last year...

It �s been very rewarding to teach this class.

  I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.

A professor was too ill to teach his course, but didn �t want his

students to go without.  He audio taped his lecture, and sent it in

to be played during his class.

  The experiment went so well, that the professor started taping his

lectures and sending them in even after he felt better.

  After several weeks of this, he decided actually to attend the class

himself, and give his lecture live.  When he arrived he found an empty

classroom, with 120 tape recorders all set to record his talk.