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ESL forum > Ask for help > I need a native speaker of English Language TO CHECK out THE POEM ...     

I need a native speaker of English Language TO CHECK out THE POEM ...



tenbest
Jordan

I need a native speaker of English Language TO CHECK out THE POEM ...
 
I need  a native speaker  to check one poem written by ss. 

   it is for one of my ss. in 10 grade 
she wrote it for writing competition in the school :)  please read it  and tell me your view about it and if there is any mistake grammar :)
thanks in advance :) 
dream
---------

I opened the door and a cold breeze softly touched my skin

 As I was watching the sun coming out of the sea,

 Rising into the sky with the waves saying good bye!

And the birds singing to the flowers

With there gentle silky voice �the song of life�

Telling them to rise and shine

To bring the colors back

Back to the world after a dark lonely long night

And as I was walking away from my house

 Letting my soul fly up high and meet with the sky

I felt the sand underneath my bare feet

Creating a magical moment, stopping my heart beat

I closed my eyes allowing myself to dream

Dream about places I�ll one day see

Dream of being wild and free

Dream about the impossible and how to enable it

Dream of freedom and love and how to keep it

Dream of being someone unforgettable and worth living

Dream of the place where everybody is having fun

Feeling good and happy that their faces shone more than the sun

Suddenly I opened my eyes to find myself in a dark room

In the middle of the night where all I can see is the moon

My dream was gone, it was no longer there

 I realized that I was back to the real world again

Which meant that I had to face up reality

And actually do something in my life

And that I had to fight to be who I want to be and yet stay alive

Do my best to reach out for my dreams and bring them to life

I know it�s easier to feel like I�m alone

Like nobody even knows that I exist

Like I�m in a cold and heartless world

So I start blaming others for the meaningless life I have

But sooner or later

I�ll realize that I did it to myself and a broken heart is all I have left

That�s why I�m stepping up now and I�m not playing

My method in life and the words I�m saying:

�I�m not dying like I was never there before

NO I want to die and I�ve left something behind�

I�m letting nothing hold me back from exploring my wildest fantasies

Wishes, dreams and aspirations

And I won�t be afraid to dream big, and take risks as risk must be taken

Because the greatest hazard in life is not to risk at all

And I know that one day

I�ll wake up to find that I�m the person I dreamed to be

Doing what I wanted to do and I finally reached my dreams

That�s when I�m going to tell myself

It simply happened because I had the courage to believe in myself and my potentials

And held my dream and didn�t let go of it  

Even that sometimes luck and �I� never met

16 Nov 2011      





Jayho
Australia

Here are my midnight thoughts on this great poem tenbest
 

I opened the door and a cold breeze softly touched my skin

 As I was watching the sun coming out of the sea,

 Rising into the sky with the waves saying good bye!

And the birds singing to the flowers

With there their gentle silky voice �the song of life�

Telling them to rise and shine

To bring the colors back

Back to the world after a dark lonely long night long dark lonely night

And as I was walking away from my house

 Letting my soul fly up high and meet with the sky

I felt the sand underneath my bare feet

Creating a magical moment, stopping my heart beat

I closed my eyes allowing myself to dream

Dream about places I�ll one day see

Dream of being wild and free

Dream about the impossible and how to enable it

Dream of freedom and love and how to keep it

Dream of being someone unforgettable and worth living

Dream of the place where everybody is having fun

Feeling good and happy that their faces shone more than the sun

Suddenly I opened my eyes to find myself in a dark room

In the middle of the night where all I can see is the moon

My dream was gone, it was no longer there

 I realized that I was back to the real world again

Which meant that I had to face up reality

And actually do something in my life

And that I had to fight to be who I want to be and yet stay alive

To Do my best to reach out for my dreams and bring them to life

I know it�s easier to feel like I�m alone

Like nobody even knows that I exist

Like I�m in a cold and heartless world

So I start blaming others for the meaningless life I have

But sooner or later

I�ll realize that I did it to myself and a broken heart is all I have left

That�s why I�m stepping up now and I�m not playing

My method in life and the words I�m saying:

�I�m not dying like I was never there before

NO I want to die and know I�ve left something behind�

I�m letting nothing hold me back from exploring my wildest fantasies

Wishes, dreams and aspirations

And I won�t be afraid to dream big, and take risks as risks must be taken

Because the greatest hazard in life is not to risk at all

And I know that one day

I�ll wake up to find that I�m the person I dreamed to I�d be

Doing what I wanted to do and that I finally reached my dreams

That�s when I�m going to tell myself

It simply happened because I had the courage to believe in myself and my potentials potential

And held my dream and didn�t let go of it  

Even that though sometimes luck and �I� never met

16 Nov 2011     



juliag
Japan

Hi

It �s a wonderful poem, so please send your student my warmest congratulations.
In addition to Jayho �s excellent changes shown here in red, I would suggest those shown in blue. Hope it helps and wish you student good luck with the competiton.

I opened the door and a cold breeze softly touched my skin

 As I was watching the sun coming out of the sea,

 Rising into the sky with the waves saying good bye!

And the birds singing to the flowers

With there their gentle silky voice (maybe "voices") �the song of life�

Telling them to rise and shine

To bring the colors back

Back to the world after a dark lonely long night long dark lonely night

And as I was walking away from my house

 Letting my soul fly up high and meet with the sky

I felt the sand underneath my bare feet

Creating a magical moment, stopping my heart beat

I closed my eyes allowing myself to dream

Dream about places I�ll one day see

Dream of being wild and free

Dream about the impossible and how to make it happen  (sorry I don �t know how to put the line through the original text like Jayho did)

Dream of freedom and love and how to keep it

Dream of being someone unforgettable and living a life worth living

Dream of the place where everybody is having fun

Feeling good and happy that their faces shone brighter than the sun

Suddenly I opened my eyes to find myself in a dark room

In the middle of the night where all I could see was the moon

My dream was gone, it was no longer there

 I realized that I was back to the real world again

Which meant that I had to face up to reality

And actually do something with my life

And that I had to fight to be who I want to be and yet stay alive

To do my best to reach out for my dreams and bring them to life

I know it�s easier to feel like I�m alone

Like nobody even knows that I exist

Like I�m in a cold and heartless world

So I start blaming others for the meaningless life I have

But sooner or later

I�ll realize that I did it to myself and a broken heart is all I have left

That�s why I�m stepping up now and I�m not playing

My method (sorry  not sure what you mean by "method" here) in life and these are the words I�m saying:

�I�m not dying (or possibly: I �m not going to die) like I was never there to start with

NO I want to die and know I�ve left something behind�

I�m letting nothing hold me back from exploring my wildest fantasies

Wishes, dreams and aspirations

And I won�t be afraid to dream big, and take risks as risks must be taken

Because the greatest hazard in life is not to risk at all

And I know that one day

I�ll wake up to find that I�m the person I dreamed to I�d be

Doing what I wanted to do and that I finally reached my dreams

That�s when I�m going to tell myself

It simply happened because I had the courage to believe in myself and my potentials potential

And held onto my dream and didn�t let go of it  

Even that though sometimes luck and �I� never met

16 Nov 2011     



yanogator
United States

Hey, Juliag,
I would make one change to your changes.
 
In the next-to-last line, I would say "held on to my dream", rather than "onto" (which is for motion).
 
In a book we use here at Lincoln College of Technology, there is an instruction that tells the students to "turn the paper into your instructor". No, they shouldn �t make the paper become the instructor, which is what the instruction says to do. It should be "turn the paper in to your instructor."
 
Bruce

16 Nov 2011