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ESL forum >
Ask for help > proofreading
proofreading
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jarek2011
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proofreading
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Anyone who can provide some help in the hour of need and proofread the following text?
On Friday Sep the 7, the church service was held in the gym in our school. The theme of the service (homily) was "The good part". During the homily we heard the familiar story of Martha and Mary who were visited by Jesus.
Pastor Gunnar Br�then and the new organist Johan Mathe conducted the service. In addition, Jos� Oliveros, who played the cello, introduced us to the service.
Students participated actively in singing and reading extracts from the Bible (Scripture). As we expected many people from the village attended the service at our school. Coffee and cakes were served afterwards.
See photos from the event! |
8 Sep 2012
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cunliffe
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For the date, wouldn �t you prefer �Sept 7th �? I don �t know what �the good part � means?
Instead of �introduced us to the service �, say �introduced the service to us. �
A comma after �As we expected, �
That �s all from me! It sounds like a great event! |
8 Sep 2012
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jarek2011
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Thank you for your help Cunliffe!
As far as "the good part" is concerned it �s about Jesus visiting Maria and Martha. I know that in the Bible that visit must have another name but I couldn �t find it on the Net. Thank you for the help once more! |
8 Sep 2012
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yanogator
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I think Lynne �s question about the title is that it seems an unusual title for Jesus �s visit to Martha and Mary. No, the event doesn �t have a traditional name (like the parables do). I agree that "introduced the service to us" is better, but I would change it to "provided the introduction". Bruce |
8 Sep 2012
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ldthemagicman
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Dear Jarek 2011, and Cunliffe,
"The Good Part" refers to the behaviour of Mary, in contrast to that of Martha, when they both served Jesus.
Perhaps alternative titles could be: "A Better Choice"; "A Good Way to Serve"; "Are you Martha or Mary?"
Best Wishes,
Les
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8 Sep 2012
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Jayho
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How about "Choices" - it�s about making a choice. But I think "The good part" is ok if people are familiar with the story. Here it is called a Lesson from two sisters.
Agree with Lynne on date: On Sep 7th (but I�d write it in full: September 7th)
I think a comma is needed after organist and Mathe: new organist, Johan Mathe, conducted
Agree with Bruce on to "provided the introduction".
I would change "participated actively" to "actively participated", only because I think it sounds better
Agree with Lynne on comma after "as we expected, ..."
In the land downunder, we usually say "coffee and cake was served". Not sure about UK and US.
Cheers
Jayho
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8 Sep 2012
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yanogator
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I didn �t even notice "coffee and cakes". Yes, in the US, it �s usually coffee and cake, unless they are individual cakes, like petit fours. Bruce |
8 Sep 2012
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cunliffe
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Agree with Bruce and Jayho �s suggestions - but, over here, �coffee and cakes �. Thanks for the explanation of �the good part, � Les. It �s a while since I attended a Bible study! I do coffee and cakes all the time, though.
Lynne |
9 Sep 2012
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yanogator
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Lynne, you �re talking about coffee and individual cakes, right? If you �re serving slices of a single cake with the coffee, do you serve "coffee and cake" or "coffee and cakes"? All this talk about cake and cakes is giving me a craving! Thanks, Bruce |
9 Sep 2012
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