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ESL forum > Ask for help > Will you please help me improve this abstract?    

Will you please help me improve this abstract?



elisabetegomes
Portugal

Will you please help me improve this abstract?
 

Dear colleagues,

I was asked to correct the Abstract (to a Master �s degree thesis) below but the final product doesn �t please me much. I feel I got too attached to the starting text I was given. Would you be so kind and make suggestions to improve it so it will be as formal and clear as possible? Thank you so much for your time and help.  
 
 
Abstract

This paper focuses on building an intervention project that advocates and encourages education through art in a social perspective, which initially involved the crossing of social design and artistic pedagogy fields. The main goal of this proposal is determined by an understanding of social design as a key to intervene in society, awarding the designer the leading role in changing mindsets, as well as, throughout his/her skills to nourish a greater good, hence, contributing to the behalf of the community.

The educational component is in turn determined by the knowledge that children should participate in the making of activities that stimulate the aesthetic dialogue through projects involving art itself, with creative tasks driving to critical reflection. Educational challenges with and through art can develop their skills in this area.

These premises led to the creation of ‘Ulisses’, the foundation to the definition, frame and identity of communication elements. Finally, in a last stage, and to emancipate the conceptual dimension, the application and targets were planned (primary school students — 6 to 9 years old).

 

14 Aug 2015      





Gi2gi
Georgia

This paper focuses on building (on the building of) an intervention project that advocates and encourages education through art in a social perspective, which initially involved (not sure about the use of Past Simple here) the crossing of social design and artistic pedagogy fields. The main goal of this proposal (I do not see any proposals here, which proposal?) is determined by an understanding of social design as a key to intervene in society, awarding the designer the leading role in changing mindsets, as well as, throughout his/her skills to nourish a greater good, (punctuation seems wrong, consider  as well as,  throughout his/her skills,  to nourish a greater good), hence, contributing to the behalf (contributing (to him/her) on the behalf of??? of the community.

The educational component is in turn (better, in turn, with commas) determined by the knowledge that children should participate in the making of activities (of the activities) that stimulate the aesthetic dialogue through projects involving art itself, (no comma needed) with creative tasks driving to critical reflection. Educational challenges with and through art can develop their skills in this area.

These premises led to the creation of �Ulisses�, the foundation to the definition, frame and identity of communication elements. (Very ambiguous to me) Finally, in a last stage, and (comma needed) to emancipate the conceptual dimension, the application and targets were planned (primary school students � 6 to 9 years old)

 

15 Aug 2015     



elisabetegomes
Portugal

Thank you so much, dearGi2gi.
 
It was very nice of you to help me and my friend.
 
Elisabete  

15 Aug 2015     



yanogator
United States

I disagree with Giorgi in a few places. It looks like a lot, but it really isn �t much disagreement.

Paragraph 1
"building" is OK (and "the building of" is OK, too)
I understand the confusion about the simple past of "involved", since the rest of the abstract is dealing with the present/future development of the thesis, but I don �t think it has to be changed.
I agree that "contributing to the behalf of the community" is wrong, but I �m not sure what you mean. Do you possibly mean "contributing to the betterment of the community"?  [We never use "the" with "behalf", and it �s always "on behalf of"]
"throughout" should be "through"
 
Paragraph 2
"the making of activities" is correct.
 
Paragraph 3
�the foundation for", and I agree that it �s unclear what you mean by "frame and identity".
No comma is needed after "and"
I don �t think "emancipation" is the word you want, but I �m not sure what you mean.
 
Bruce 

15 Aug 2015     



elisabetegomes
Portugal

Hello, dear Yanogator.
 
Thank you so much for your contribution 
 
Paragraph 1 - I meant it is " to the betterment/improvement of the community"
Paragraph 3-  As I said, this is not my text but as I understood it, "emancipation" is supposed to mean that "it will be put into practice". I had difficulties with it as well as I was already given the Portuguese and the English versions so that I would revise the English one. 

15 Aug 2015